2:36 PM
Monday, July 22, 2013
it has been a long time since i felt this lost and broken.
for the past few years, life has been very giving and blessed for me.
i would always have this particular someone to talk to. we talked and met, i took him completely for granted almost everyday, even after our break in march, we were still communicating, until the last few days. a 180degrees change.
In a way, im happy for him to have found his group of friends but for selfish reasons, i cant accept his behavior and actions towards me. it hurts, but i have no one to blame but myself. all i wish for us is to remain good friends, because nothing else does it better than him. he is the kindest,most understanding,reassuring person i have got to know. and of course im gna miss that someone i can call 24/7 when i feel insecure,angry,happy,sad,misunderstood…
adding on, jealousy has always been a struggle for me,
especially the attention i do not receive from the brother.
am i suppose to get used to it? or force my way in?
heather is the nicest girl, i like the idea of them together.
but marcus has been bringing her to evvvvery family gathering,
she has so many pictures on his room door, and i don't even get one solo shot with him. and i do not get any solo time with him anymore, unless he has to go out to get stuff for her(again). i know its normal that a brother and sister's relationship does not have to be close… i would want an older sister, because im incapable of being one, and she could my best friend.
i've particularly been spending lotsa of time at home,with my parents, and alone,
im thankful that the three of us had an awesome meal last saturday at agonaya robatayaki, it costed us a whopping $750, which made me very depressed,i made my dad spend so much for a meal (you knw what we can do with this money?!?)
after which we headed to golden mile tgt to walk around and get my basil leaves.
i have 3 exciting activities that are coming up in august, so thinking of them makes me feel a whole lot better. (kelong, national day parade and colour run)
All in all, what im trying to say in this post is that,
i am growing old too fast,
i feel like a 18 year old stuck in a 22 year old body
(have y'all catched the final 1? they are so young and so talented! it makes me question my abilities and talents as a person)
and my mental being needs to alter, i need to be a better person, to be genuine, to be generous and take action, i feel really awful when i see the people ard me leaping ahead of me in terms of how they look and act their age.
Speaking of which,the one and a half month of internship at Publicis. To be honest, when i first got the position, i was ecstatic and so so thankful, cause everything in my life was falling into place so smoothly.
i am so bored you have no idea what i do everyday from 10-6.30pm.
i read so many articles on thoughtcatalog, visit ads of the world everyday and update myself on world news.. to stretch that into 7 hours needs skills and willpower to stay awake. why am i complaining when i was the one that wanted this so badly. ya i don't know myself.
i knw that everything will work out within reason,
just make me feel better alr.
i want to do good.
i want to be good enough for me.